Sunday, September 30, 2012

First shot

I want to know what is rage to other people? Is it a sense of pure raw strenght or is it more like a deep crampning force in which you have no control. I'll be the first to admit I do have an anger problem but I would prefer to control it and not have it control me. I wonder is that even makes any sense to anyone else. Qouteing Dr. Banner here (The hulk) "the secret to it is I'm always angry". Now I realize that may work for some people but it dosen't work for me not at all. I'm tired of being angry all the time I just want peace you know it's so crippling at times I just don't know how to handle it. Just yesterday I lost it over one issue and decided to let it all out about all of the issues in my life. Now when I'm anrgy I try to hurt the people closest to me with my words. As I did yesterday but I was able to contain myself but I still feel the need to find some sort of hold on it. I would much rather want to do this before I make an attempt at making some serious damage. I have no clue how far this will go. Whenever I'm angry it is like my mind grows sharper but not as an intelectual but much more primal and violent. Now I've never resorted to violence when angry but I do try to pick fights if I'm out and about and I end up being upset. I jsut really want it to stop but I don't know how. So yesterday I decided to cut myself off from people from a while until I can get a grip on this. Although if anyone who needs me I made sure that they know they can always contact me, but it seems like I'm just issuing a challenge to myself. I guess that's really sad isn't it?  

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