Contemplating love?

So today I talked to someone who is special to me and I was just wondering am I in love possibly? I really don't it's kind of weird really when I think about it. I mean I haven't known this girl for a really long time I actually just met her 3 or 4 months ago and I've felt like a brand new person ever since. I mean there have been the ups and downs but in the end I don't know what life would be like if I never met her. Maybe it's just all the disney movies and romantic comedies I've been watching lately. Well what ever it is I like it but I hate it sometimes to. This is just all entirely new for me I just wish I had some answers. Also sorry about missing yesterday Supernatural came on couldn't miss it's the 8th season!!!!

"Fluffer"

A fluffer which is a term used in porn something where not going to get into but yes used for for porn use. Now tonight on a t.v show I heard it used as the term an "emotional fluffer" something in which I beleive that I am. Or in this case a "biffle" something that I was really looking forward to not happening. Because then it's basically the same thing all I'm doing is preparing her sex emotionally. But the thing is I actually have feelings for this person not purely sexual but much more emotional. I don't really know how to handle it since I've never been in a situation like this before I just wished I knew what to do. It honestly get's me alot hence why I wanted us to take a "break" for the week not sure how this is gonna turn out.

Emptiness is the mother of all things?

Now as far as the title goes I have no clue what that is suppose to mean. I actually found it inside of a fortune cookie. Now the reason I made it the title is because I feel as though it is a true statement. I'll tell you my meaning of it but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. The way I see it is emptiness is the mother of all, because the more empty you feal the more you try to fill yourself which can end pretty terrible. Be it either thorugh bad social group choices or things that literally go into your body like alchol or drugs. Why people do these things I can't speak for them so don't expect that but as for me now I don't do drugs but I do make bad social decisions in order to fill myself. In a pretty stupid attempt to try and get some emotional response out of myself and others I create situations in which people can respond in either one of two ways. One being discomfort or the other being what I was hoping for which is some sort of acceptance. Now when it comes to a social circle I wouldn't exactly say I have one. Now I'm not claiming to be classified as a "loner" or anything I just get along with everyone that's all. I socialize always looking for that group that will accept me as one of their own. Dosen't every high school senior? I know it seems a little late but I figured I mine as wel give it a shot. Because it would be a major drag if I were to come back for my reunion and not know or have any sort of relationship with anyone. Although I am working on it I am trying to make a good relationship with people especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I'd prefer not to be known as the sleez who tried to get with every girl walking. I like to be more mature when dealing with the opposite sex. Now i know what you might be thinking "this guy is a virgin", or "man is he serious wow PATHETIC". Now you may not beleive it to be true but at times this tends to work out for me not purely sexual but when I want an actual freindship with a girl. But hey maybe your different and that is totally cool with me but fellas let's be real there will be a time where you have to grow up and try to settle down or else you'll be 50 somehting and at home reading some 18 year old teenagers blog on how you should treat women just saying. But back on topic which is emptiness, when you veiw emptiness you can't sorely look at as an excuse to do stupid things. In which I mean bad personal choices or doign drugs and such. No look at it as a way to better yourselves and to start over or start a beginning in which you can fill yourself with positive qualities but don't forget to add some negative because let's be honest who wants to be a mjaor tool.

First shot

I want to know what is rage to other people? Is it a sense of pure raw strenght or is it more like a deep crampning force in which you have no control. I'll be the first to admit I do have an anger problem but I would prefer to control it and not have it control me. I wonder is that even makes any sense to anyone else. Qouteing Dr. Banner here (The hulk) "the secret to it is I'm always angry". Now I realize that may work for some people but it dosen't work for me not at all. I'm tired of being angry all the time I just want peace you know it's so crippling at times I just don't know how to handle it. Just yesterday I lost it over one issue and decided to let it all out about all of the issues in my life. Now when I'm anrgy I try to hurt the people closest to me with my words. As I did yesterday but I was able to contain myself but I still feel the need to find some sort of hold on it. I would much rather want to do this before I make an attempt at making some serious damage. I have no clue how far this will go. Whenever I'm angry it is like my mind grows sharper but not as an intelectual but much more primal and violent. Now I've never resorted to violence when angry but I do try to pick fights if I'm out and about and I end up being upset. I jsut really want it to stop but I don't know how. So yesterday I decided to cut myself off from people from a while until I can get a grip on this. Although if anyone who needs me I made sure that they know they can always contact me, but it seems like I'm just issuing a challenge to myself. I guess that's really sad isn't it?